Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
No one knows what mysteries lie deep in the human heart, but you figure they're just not rinsing it enough or using a bright enough flashlight.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
To be truly human is to never give up; however, to be truly human is also to know the meaning of sacrifice. It's some deep shit, really.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Financial success continues to elude you as you have yet to determine the best way to advertise your enjoyable and affordable mustache rides.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
An error in last week's horoscope has probably resulted in you having a chance midnight encounter with a tall dark strangler. The stars regret any inconvenience.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Will you have the inner strength to deny a love that is no good for you? Do you have the courage to retry a project you’ve failed at before? Find out in next week’s horoscopes!
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
When all's been said and all's been done and you finally look back on the entirety of your life, it will be about three PM next Wednesday.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Although it's true that the only tool you have is a hammer, everything you see looks a lot more like a sort of medium-sized box than a nail.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You've never been able to explain why, but you have a sneaking suspicion that the narrator of 10cc's 1975 hit "I'm Not In Love" was in fact in love.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ll manage to get through the entire Helen Keller presentation with no hilarious slip-ups, but afterwards you’ll be complimented by a guy with no arms and no legs who likes to waterski.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Sometimes you miss your days as part of a plucky band of mystery-solving teens, but hey, survivor guilt is like that.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
In a complete reversal of conventional wisdom, you'll find that you do in fact have to be crazy to work at your job, and that no, it doesn't help.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You've always been a never-say-die type of person. Luckily, your impending death will be so obvious that words will be unnecessary.