Aries | March 21 to April 19

The throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode’s gestation period.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You’ll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Despite the offer of a brand new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you’ll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You’ll die a little bit on the inside this week, and a whole heck of a lot on the outside.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

It’ll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you’ll find out that your viewership goes up when you’re fighting or having sex.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Nobody likes a know-it-all, but then, you probably knew that already, you smug jerk.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can’t find one, they’ll use something else.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.