LOS GATOS, CA—Insisting that the controversial episode served as a stirring reminder of the importance of self-improvement, Netflix representative Tina Komal spoke in defense of a recent episode of ‘Queer Eye’ wherein the the Fab Five were forced to euthanize a contestant who was a completely hopeless slob. “We…

June 11 marked the 25th anniversary since Jurassic Park was released in theaters, spawning a media franchise that includes four films (with at least two more on the way) and a variety of video games and comics. The Onion looks back at some of the milestones from the dinosaur disaster series’s 25 years.

LOS ANGELES—Touting the upcoming film as a significant visual leap forward from the previous ones in the series, producers of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom told reporters Wednesday that their production includes a more scientifically accurate Jeff Goldblum. “Thanks to advances in cinematic technology and digital…

LOS ANGELES—The annual Electronic Entertainment Expo was called off Tuesday after its organizers discovered the immersive power of literature, reportedly realizing that no video game could ever compare to the wonder of opening a work by Leo Tolstoy or Jorge Luis Borges and becoming engrossed in a masterful volume of…

LOS ANGELES—Cementing his reputation as an auteurist designer of bleeding-edge video games, Metal Gear Solid creator Hideo Kojima took the stage at a press conference during the Electronic Entertainment Expo Tuesday to unveil Death Stranding, a new gaming opus consisting entirely of a two-hour pre-rendered cutscene.…

LOS ANGELES—Ensuring that the project could be deployed at a moment’s notice at all times, an assistant always follows around Warner Bros. CEO Kevin Tsujihara with a suitcase containing the codes to authorize Collateral Beauty 2, sources confirmed Friday. “Whenever Mr. Tsujihara is traveling outside of the office, I…

BURBANK, CA—Promising that the new feature will eliminate untold hours in editorial busywork, screenwriting software Final Draft released an update Thursday that includes stock female characters to help fill out scripts. “From aspiring writers to Hollywood pros, we’ve made it easier than ever to pad out your movie…

LOS ANGELES—In the wake of the hit sitcom’s sudden cancellation, Roseanne showrunner Bruce Helford expressed disappointment Wednesday that no one would ever see the episode where the title character discovers the truth behind the Seth Rich homicide, cracking the case wide open. “It’s truly a shame that the public will…

PHILADELPHIA—In response to the abrupt cancellation of the hit series Roseanne the media watchdog group FactCheck.org blasted ABC Tuesday for its unrealistic portrayal of racists actually facing consequences for their actions. “This just does not represent how things actually work in America,” said spokesperson Rachel…

OXFORD, ENGLAND—Rewarding their longtime fans for their loyalty, Radiohead has re-released their career-defining 2000 album Kid A with remastered original skits. “After years of workshopping and late nights in the studio, we are proud to announce the release of the new Platinum Edition Kid A with all-new remastered…

LOS ANGELES—Noting the interest generated by the extensive television coverage of Harvey Weinstein’s arraignment on sexual assault charges, Hollywood producer Jeff Moss admitted Friday that he can’t stop thinking about the giant pile of money he could make off a movie about the unfolding scandal. “What Harvey did to…

GREEN BAY, WI—Expressing concern that the latest film might let fans like him down, area man Tom Molina was doubtful Thursday that Solo: A Star Wars Story could ever live up to Denny’s Blaster Fire Burger. “I really hope the movie can match the immersive, world-building experience I had eating the Blaster Fire Burger,…

LOS ANGELES—After a nine-season run featuring the 39th president of the United States exploring the history, manufacturing, and culture surrounding the versatile legume, Netflix announced Wednesday the cancellation of Jimmy Carter’s World Of Peanuts. “Despite our great appreciation for President Carter’s entertaining,…