‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Now Just Hoping George R.R. Martin Dies Soon So Estate Can Release Whatever He’s Already Written

CHICAGO—Stressing that a posthumous release was still better than no release at all, Game Of Thrones fans nationwide confessed Monday that they were now just hoping George R.R. Martin dies soon so his estate could publish whatever he’s already written. “Listen, he’s gotta have at least two-thirds of The Winds Of Winter

Producer Tells Actress Non-Disclosure Agreement Pretty Standard For Getting Away With Abusing His Power

LOS ANGELES—Dismissing it as nothing more than “a bunch of legal-ese” giving him free rein to make her life hell, film producer Richard Chapman reportedly assured an up-and-coming actress Wednesday that her non-disclosure agreement was pretty standard for permitting men like him to abuse their power. “You can read it…

Dave Matthews Band Apologizes After Tour Bus Dumps Another 800 Pounds Of Human Shit Onto Same Boat Full Of People

CHICAGO—Expressing their sincere regret for repeating the 2004 incident, representatives for Dave Matthews Band apologized Wednesday after their tour bus dumped another 800 pounds of human shit on the same architecture boat cruise from 14 years ago. “On behalf of Dave and the rest of the crew, I’m here to stress how…

Coalition Of Concerned Parents Condemns Video Games’ False Depiction Of How Easy It Is To Smash Wooden Crates

EUGENE, OR—Citing the potential threat to the safety of their children, a coalition of concerned parents issued a statement Monday condemning dozens of popular video games spanning a range of publishers and platforms for what they claimed were grossly misleading depictions of the difficulty involved in smashing wooden…

New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Trailer Reveals Final Season Will Be Cobbled Together From Old Footage

LOS ANGELES—Shedding considerable light on the acclaimed fantasy epic’s long-awaited conclusion, HBO released a new Game Of Thrones trailer Tuesday revealing that the show’s final season will be cobbled together from old footage. “We’re excited to confirm that the final season will focus on previously aired scenes…

‘Sir, You Stated You Wanted To Modernize The Grinch For Today’s Audience,’ Says New CNN Entertainment Reporter Jim Acosta

LOS ANGELES—In a heated exchange during a contentious press conference, new CNN entertainment reporter Jim Acosta pressed film directors Scott Mosier and Yarrow Cheney Thursday on an earlier statement they had made concerning their desire to modernize the Grinch for today’s audience. “Sir, you’re on record stating…

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