New Stardew Valley Expansion Allows Player To Shoot Self In Barn After Family Farm Bankrupted By Corporate Agribusiness

LONDON—While adding multiple new gameplay options and challenging story paths to their retro farming RPG Stardew Valley, developer Chucklefish Limited revealed Friday that an upcoming game expansion would allow players to shoot themselves in the barn after losing their farm to corporate agribusiness. “Stardew Valley’s…

Nintendo Reveals ‘Smash Bros. Ultimate’ Will Allow Characters To Repeatedly Punch Self In Face To Freak Out Opponent

REDMOND, WA—Touting the new gameplay features available in the upcoming fifth title in the popular fighting series, Nintendo reportedly revealed Wednesday that Super Smash Bros. Ultimate will allow characters to repeatedly punch themselves in the face to freak out their opponent. “The new Smash Bros. will be the most…

CBS Reveals ‘Big Bang Theory’ Season 12 Will Explore Why Sheldon Keeps Job After Sexually Harassing 6 Research Assistants

NEW YORK—As part of a preview of the network’s fall slate of shows, CBS revealed Monday that season 12 of the long-running sitcom The Big Bang Theory will explore why Sheldon Cooper keeps his job after sexually harassing six research assistants. “The story arc, which spans the entire season, shows that while there…

Comic-Con Fan Guesses He Enjoyed 60-Minute Panel Of Silently Masturbating Alan Moore Practicing Sex Magic

SAN DIEGO—Reflecting while exiting the packed Indigo Ballroom, local Comic-Con attendee Matt Donnelly told reporters Friday that he guessed he enjoyed the 60-minute panel wherein comic-book writer Alan Moore silently masturbated and performed sex magic rituals. “Honestly, I was kind of hoping he’d talk about creating