‘Roseanne’ Spinoff Showrunner Hopes Big Puddle Of Blood In Kitchen Enough To Explain Main Character’s Disappearance

LOS ANGELES—Discussing how narrative cohesion would be maintained in the new sitcom, the showrunner of the upcoming Roseanne spinoff told reporters Tuesday that he hoped the giant puddle of blood in the set’s kitchen would adequately explain the former main character’s absence. “Sure, we could have had one of the many…

Taylor Swift Breaks Political Silence To Throw Support Behind Restoring Shōgun To Throne Of Japan

NEW YORK—In a heartfelt social media statement to her fans, singer–songwriter Taylor Swift broke her long-standing political silence Monday to support restoring an all-powerful shōgun to its rightful place on the throne of Japan. “Hey guys, Taylor here—I’m writing this post because I’ve been inspired by recent events…

Annoying Guy In Movie Theater Constantly Screaming ‘Get Out Of There, You Idiot’ At Bradley Cooper’s Character In ‘A Star Is Born’

ST. PAUL, MN—Evidently shocked by on-screen events to the point of committing spontaneous breaches of filmgoing etiquette, a man at a Twin Cities showing of A Star Is Born repeatedly annoyed his fellow moviegoers by screaming “Get out of there, you idiot!” every time Bradley Cooper’s character appeared on the screen.…

Alan Alda Realizes It’s Less Important Than What’s Going On, But Wonders If People Know He’s Getting SAG Life Achievement Award

LOS ANGELES—Freely admitting that his accomplishment was no more than a mere blip on the radar in the grand scheme of things, actor Alan Alda announced Thursday that while it’s certainly much less important than almost everything else currently transpiring, he does in fact wonder if people are aware he’s getting a…