Illustration for article titled 37-Year-Old Makes Absolutely Heartbreaking Last-Ditch Effort To Get Really Into New Band

INDIANAPOLIS—Saying he was really starting to appreciate the group’s sound, local 37-year-old Ed Johnstone reportedly made an absolutely heartbreaking last-ditch effort this week to get into a new band. “I listened to the most popular Twenty One Pilots tracks on Spotify to get a good feel for the band, and then I checked out a few of their records—they’ve got some pretty great tunes,” said Johnstone, who pitifully forced himself to listen to the band’s 2013 album, Vessel, on repeat in an effort to familiarize himself with the group before making a completely excruciating attempt at discussing the electropop duo with several of his coworkers who are all more than a decade younger. “I haven’t checked out their newest album, Blurryface, yet, but I hope it keeps up that sort of frenetic rock vibe from the previous records. I read in this article on Fader that they’re originally from Columbus, Ohio. Man, there are just a lot of good new bands coming out of there these days.” At press time, sources confirmed that Johnstone was pathetically showing enthusiasm for the song “Ride” with the saddest little attempt at air drumming.

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