Producer Tells Actress Non-Disclosure Agreement Pretty Standard For Getting Away With Abusing His Power

LOS ANGELES—Dismissing it as nothing more than “a bunch of legal-ese” giving him free rein to make her life hell, film producer Richard Chapman reportedly assured an up-and-coming actress Wednesday that her non-disclosure agreement was pretty standard for permitting men like him to abuse their power. “You can read it…

Dave Matthews Band Apologizes After Tour Bus Dumps Another 800 Pounds Of Human Shit Onto Same Boat Full Of People

CHICAGO—Expressing their sincere regret for repeating the 2004 incident, representatives for Dave Matthews Band apologized Wednesday after their tour bus dumped another 800 pounds of human shit on the same architecture boat cruise from 14 years ago. “On behalf of Dave and the rest of the crew, I’m here to stress how…

Coalition Of Concerned Parents Condemns Video Games’ False Depiction Of How Easy It Is To Smash Wooden Crates

EUGENE, OR—Citing the potential threat to the safety of their children, a coalition of concerned parents issued a statement Monday condemning dozens of popular video games spanning a range of publishers and platforms for what they claimed were grossly misleading depictions of the difficulty involved in smashing wooden…

New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Trailer Reveals Final Season Will Be Cobbled Together From Old Footage

LOS ANGELES—Shedding considerable light on the acclaimed fantasy epic’s long-awaited conclusion, HBO released a new Game Of Thrones trailer Tuesday revealing that the show’s final season will be cobbled together from old footage. “We’re excited to confirm that the final season will focus on previously aired scenes…

‘Sir, You Stated You Wanted To Modernize The Grinch For Today’s Audience,’ Says New CNN Entertainment Reporter Jim Acosta

LOS ANGELES—In a heated exchange during a contentious press conference, new CNN entertainment reporter Jim Acosta pressed film directors Scott Mosier and Yarrow Cheney Thursday on an earlier statement they had made concerning their desire to modernize the Grinch for today’s audience. “Sir, you’re on record stating…

‘Kanye Must Be Back On His Meds,’ Says Nation Technically Having Conversation About Mental Illness

NEW YORK—Following a social media post in which the rapper appeared to distance himself from politics, Americans nationwide commented that “Kanye West must be back on his meds” in what, technically speaking, could be called a conversation about mental illness. “That guy was always a wack job, but it’s good he’s taking…

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