Illustration for article titled Apologetic Justin Timberlake Presents Jessica Biel With Severed Hand Of Alisha Wainwright To Prove Loyalty

LOS ANGELES—Apologizing emphatically for any harm he might have caused through his past indiscretions, pop superstar Justin Timberlake reportedly presented Jessica Biel with the severed hand of Alisha Wainwright Monday to prove his undying loyalty. “Jessica, I bring you this hand as a humble offering to show you that no other woman could mean anything to me—you are all that matters,” said Timberlake, thrusting the blood-crusted hand of the Palmer co-star out toward his wife while repeatedly asking if this small token could possibly make things right between them. “Let this be a reminder to you that I am faithful, that I am resolute, and that you should never again doubt the contents of my heart. I love you, baby. There’s no other hand that I’d ever want to hold.” At press time, Timberlake had again come under media scrutiny after being spotted on set giving a massage to Wainwright’s cleaved-off foot.


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