Area Man Totally Blows His Chance To See ‘Exodus: Gods And Kings’ In Theaters

STOW, MA—Disappointed after realizing the high-budget biblical epic was no longer playing at his local cinema, area man Will Johnson lamented to reporters Monday that he had totally blown his chance to see Exodus: Gods And Kings in theaters. “Dammit, I should’ve just gone last weekend when I had the time, but I was too busy rewatching [The Hobbit:] The Battle Of The Five Armies,” said the regretful man, who, in an admittedly egregious and inexcusable oversight, spurned opportunity after opportunity to see the special-effects-heavy Ridley Scott blockbuster during its nationwide theatrical run. “Sure, it’ll eventually come out on Netflix and iTunes, but seeing it on some dinky TV isn’t the same as experiencing the rush of watching Christian Bale take on the pharaoh with 200 other people. That only happens once, and I blew it.” Johnson added that, though it will in no way rectify the error, he hopes he’ll get a second chance to see the film on the big screen during the Exodus: Gods And Kings 10th or 20th anniversary rerelease.


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