INDIO, CA—Touting the tickets as offering the best experience for fans of the music festival, Coachella organizers on Thursday reportedly unveiled premium VIP areas where fans will be able to see and hear the bands. “For just $1,299, our special VIP passes give festival attendees parking, admission to the campground, and exclusive access to the only areas in the entire festival from which you can hear and see live music,” said Coachella spokesperson Melanie Watters, adding that general admission tickets were also on sale for those festivalgoers who were interested in seeing or hearing the bands, but not both. “And for just $399 more, we’re offering a limited run of passes that will allow access to a cordoned-off special section where you can get within 200 feet of the stage. If you want to be within visual distance of the bands you love and came to the festival to hear audible levels of sound, these are the only passes that will allow you to do that. VIP pass-holders will also be the only ones permitted in our special bathroom section, which provides the only bathrooms on festival grounds, and it’s just $50 more to enter a bathroom with a functioning toilet.” At press time, organizers expressed bafflement after learning they hadn’t sold any of the VIP passes.