Illustration for article titled Depressed Nation Really Did Not Think It Would Take Them This Long To Get Over Death Of Jack Klugman

COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—More than three weeks after the beloved 90-year-old actor’s passing, the nation was surprised to find itself still mired in a deep depression over the loss of film and sitcom star Jack Klugman, millions of Americans reported Thursday. “I only watched The Odd Couple a few times on cable, and I guess I never realized how much Jack meant to me until he was gone,” said Iowa homemaker Beth Golding, who lay weeping and curled up on her couch, a scene that played itself out repeatedly across all 50 states. “It’s been almost a month now, and yet not a day goes by that I don’t think about how actor Jack Klugman was cruelly torn away from us. I can’t eat, sleep, or work without seeing his smiling face everywhere I look. Why the hell am I still taking this so hard?” At press time, the entire U.S. populace reportedly sighed and stared wistfully out the window.

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