Disney Studios is rumored to be rebooting the Indiana Jones franchise, which it acquired along with Star Wars when it merged with Lucasfilm in 2012. Here’s what viewers can expect to see in the Disney-produced reboot:

  • Professor Jones now employed part-time at Marshall College’s media lab after archaeology department dissolved
  • South America inexplicably no longer present on map during travel montage scenes
  • Thematic references to military spending, global warming, and other modern geopolitical issues that do not at all come off as hastily tacked on
  • Karen Allen may return to series to reprise what apparently is an iconic role
  • Disney will address viewers’ confusion about why a new actor is playing Indiana Jones by remaking all four previous movies with Chris Pratt in the lead role
  • Indy gets Canadian citizenship to avoid drawing attention abroad
  • A black Stormtrooper
  • Briefest expression of moral ambivalence over plundering artifacts of other cultures
  • Film sequels designed to each gross over $500 million to more closely align with George Lucas’ original vision
  • Harrison Ford cameo to go entirely unnoticed by 96 percent of audience
  • In an effort to appeal to moviegoers, reboot to be immediately scrapped

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