LEWISTON, ME—Calling for a harsh autumn of shortened series orders and meager Nielsen ratings, this year’s edition of the Farmers’ Almanac has reportedly predicted an unusually short season for primetime dramas, sources confirmed this week. “Barren network conditions and an unfavorable viewing climate will leave residents nationwide with a stunted yield of new police procedurals and legal dramas over the final months of the year,” reads the 196-year-old publication’s calendar section, which forecasts the upcoming season of dramatic programming to be the least bountiful in over 30 years. “A bumper crop of midseason replacements may provide some relief from the abbreviated Sunday night lineups, and Chicago P.D. will continue to thrive. But most should prepare their DVR and Netflix queue for a particularly dire spell of television until the coming spring.” Despite the bleak outlook, however, the almanac went on to suggest that basic-cable viewers could expect fall to bring an abundant harvest of shows about restaurant makeovers, DIY home renovators, and swamp people.

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