DAYTON, OH—Calling the latest installment of the video game franchise “complex” and “highly nuanced,” local man Kevin Mitchell, who just spent the past 3 hours brutally driving over homeless characters with a stolen fire truck, confirmed Tuesday that Grand Theft Auto V provides a deeply sophisticated gaming experience. “The narrative is dynamic and multilayered, the characterizations are brilliantly assured, and the vast open-world experience creates a style of play that is both revolutionary in design and intellectually stimulating,” Mitchell told reporters, moments before making his in-game character block traffic with a bus to create a 10-car pileup in the middle of the street, toss grenades at unsuspecting pedestrians while standing on top of an ambulance, and jump off a building into the spinning blades of a helicopter. “And nowhere is GTA V more groundbreaking than when it is deftly skewering the vices and follies of contemporary culture with its razor-sharp social commentary.” At press time, Mitchell was remarking on the game’s “stunningly inventive storycraft” while repeatedly kicking a Los Santos resident until blood pooled around their lifeless body.

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