LOS ANGELES—Growing increasingly nauseous while reading dozens of text messages and email follow-ups, a hungover Guillermo Del Toro reportedly panicked Monday after realizing he promised to write new movies for everyone he spoke to at the Oscars after-party. “Oh god, my fucking head—I can’t believe I agreed to make that intergalactic murder mystery I talked about with Sandra Bullock last night,” said the Academy Award-winning director of The Shape of Water, who rubbed his temples and muttered, “What the hell did I do?” after receiving a message confirming a 10 a.m. coffee meeting with Ryan Seacrest. “I was so hammered, but I can vaguely recall promising to create three different Robert Redford biopics. Jesus, the last thing I remember was doing a round of shots and then insisting on directing and writing a reboot of The Watchmen for that one really nice bathroom attendant.” At press time, Del Toro announced that he better start writing after vomiting for several minutes into a nearby wastebasket.

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