NEW YORK—Following multiple allegations of sexual misbehavior against the former Today Show host, NBC announced Friday that internal investigations found company management had no knowledge of misconduct occurring in Matt Lauer’s network-sanctioned sex dungeon. “We found no evidence that human resources had received complaints concerning the rhinestone whips or doggy-style spreaders in the BDSM playroom NBC installed, as per the terms of his contract, behind Mr. Lauer’s office in 2006,” said NBCUniversal counsel Kim Harris, adding that Today Show leadership were also never made aware of any workplace transgressions in the former news anchor’s butterfly fuck swings, steel stripper cages, or 10-man gangbang ligature frames. “We take these claims very seriously, but our findings indicate that neither the misuse of shackles nor the flaying of human flesh for Mr. Lauer’s pleasure was ever reported to administrators. To their knowledge, no one who was locked in Mr. Lauer’s dungeon and maintained consciousness was ever made to feel uncomfortable during the lashing, gagging, or whipping.” Harris added that, going forward, NBC plans to more closely monitor all its sex dungeons to ensure its on-air talent is fostering a healthy and safe workplace environment.
More from The Onion