CULVER CITY, CA—Noting that such individuals had repeatedly upset the competition’s balance and atmosphere, Jeopardy! officials announced a permanent ban Tuesday on any obsessive weirdos who ruin the fun by preparing way too much for the show. “Effective immediately, we will be banning anyone who makes things awkward for the other contestants or the viewers at home by studying up on trivia for months before like total freaks,” said Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek, describing past champions like James Holzhauer and Ken Jennings as exactly the kind of neurotic assholes who turn an enjoyable little daytime game show into a bigger stage to flaunt their obsessive and unsettling level of knowledge on subjects as far-flung as the Russian czars, Caribbean literature, and Rodgers and Hammerstein showtunes. “It’s disturbing for our audience at home to picture these crackpots sitting alone in their pathetic little apartments and reading up on French architects like any of this matters. It doesn’t. People just want to kick back and unwind while watching a show after work without some complete lunatic creeping everybody out with a bizarre, all-consuming fixation on winning some dumb trivia competition.” Trebek added that he would personally screen the show’s auditions to look for anyone who starts getting one of those “strange, squirmy grins” on their faces when they know the answer to some clue about Elizabethan English.

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