Illustration for article titled Kanye West Jumps On Massage Table To Deliver Speech About Relaxation em/em

LOS ANGELES—Insisting that a new age of unwinding was upon the world if they only paid attention, Kanye West jumped onto a massage table at Deluca Bodywork Friday to deliver a highly charged speech about relaxation. “We’re at this point in history where humans can’t relax—they’re on edge, they’re high-strung, and we aren’t experiencing true leisure because free time is a myth,” said the Grammy Award–winning artist, who had entered the massage parlor and immediately leaped onto the nearest empty table, speaking uninterrupted for 15 minutes in a monologue that touched on ending aging, loosening up muscle groups, the hero’s journey, freeing spiritual energy, and “empowering the whole globe to chill” to the largely silent clientele. “I don’t care if it’s reiki. I don’t care if it’s shiatsu. We’ve got to detoxify the human experience. And that starts here. Right here. Maybe you weren’t expecting to hear from a motherfucker like me, but you best believe it’s time to focus on rest and recovery.” At press time, West had been spotted standing atop the counter at a nearby Panera Bread delivering a soliloquy about the way a steaming bowl of soup on a cold day could make every person in the world “feel like a superhero.”


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