LOS ANGELES—As a team of producers stood on the shore and begged her to reconsider, Kim Kardashian West reportedly rowed a boat out into the Pacific Ocean on Thursday in an attempt to escape Los Angeles, having discovered the past dozen years of her life have all been part of a television show.
Sources close to Kardashian West said she had behaved erratically in recent months, often ducking out of rooms to avoid interactions with her co-stars and asking panicked questions about certain people who appeared to be following her. Last night, she is believed to have stumbled upon a call sheet inadvertently left behind by E! network staff and labeled Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Seeing her own name among the cast members likely confirmed her worst fears, causing her to flee her Hidden Hills home, where this morning a production assistant found only a mannequin in a latex pink mini-dress beneath the covers where she was presumed to be sleeping.
“Everywhere I went, everything I did, the cameras were rolling,” said Kardashian West, who shouted above the din of waves crashing around her rowboat as she revealed that her suspicions had begun six months ago when a shotgun microphone fell “out of nowhere” and landed in her 60-foot infinity pool. “All my relationships were built on artifice. All my friends and family—they were just actors and celebrities. The whole thing was staged, put on by a bunch of Hollywood executives who turned my life into a show for millions to watch.”
“I always felt like people treated me differently and could never put my finger on why all the attention was always on me, but now I know,” she continued. “My entire life has been a lie.”
Pulling back on the oars of her small boat and leaving the Malibu Pier behind, Kardashian West expounded on how her life had been beset by a series of strange coincidences, including her mother marrying a famous Olympian and her convenient friendship with TV stars like Paris Hilton, which she had never before put much stock in but now suddenly made sense.
According to reports, the producers went to great lengths to prevent Kardashian West from discovering the artificial nature of her life, even staging a sudden illness for her 2-year-old son last year after she expressed a desire to move to Costa Rica to get out of the spotlight. They are said to have grown especially concerned in March after the 38-year-old accidentally overheard a conversation in which her co-stars Kourtney and Khloé Kardashian had broken character, causing her to complain that no one in her family understood her. In response, network officials reportedly attempted to distract Kardashian West with the prospect of appearing in more workout videos or launching another signature fragrance.
“I always thought it was weird that as soon as I told my family that I wanted to be a nurse, there was a horrific motorcycle accident right in front of my house, because after that I couldn’t stand the sight of blood and had to abandon my dream,” Kardashian West said as the coastline faded in the distance and lightning-flecked storm clouds gathered above her, following her boat regardless of which way she turned. “It’s all starting to add up now. That’s why people kept telling me to make sure the labels on the products I was using were always visible. And when that wildfire was threatening our house last year, it wound up conveniently passing us by, didn’t it?”
“It makes me wonder if L.A. is even a real city,” she added. “It seems like everything was built just for someone like me.”
Witnesses confirmed Kardashian West’s escape toward the ocean was beset by obstacles, with dozens of cars crashing in front of her and roads suddenly shut down for construction. As she reached the dock and climbed into the boat, sources reported the booming voice of Keeping Up With The Kardashians creator Ryan Seacrest spoke from a hidden loudspeaker and begged her to stay, but to no avail.
“Everyone around me automatically smiles and compliments me as if they were robots or something,” said Kardashian West, gazing out over the horizon as the storm suddenly subsided. “It’s no way to live. God, I should have known. In real life, no mom would ever give all five of her daughters ‘K’ names. That’s so ridiculous and obviously made up. Well, I want a real life. I’m ready for it.”
At press time, an exhausted Kardashian West had reportedly stopped rowing for a moment to contemplate her decision, only to have her boat bump up against a perfectly clear glass barrier.