RIO RANCHO, NM—Leaning in anxiously toward her television Sunday as the 86th Academy Awards pre-show coverage began, 36-year-old Rachel Kohls told reporters that her past 12 months of rigorous and painstaking practice critiquing celebrity fashion has all come down to this night. “Everything I’ve done over the past year—the countless hours spent poring over fashion blogs and scrutinizing celebrity gossip magazines—it’s all been in preparation for this moment,” said Kohls, who, after delivering a solid criticism of Sandra Bullock’s color-block Prabal Gurung dress at this year’s Golden Globes, admitted she was going into tonight’s awards show with confidence in her ability to mete out discerning praise or condemnation of the style choices of Hollywood’s elite. “There is so much to take into account for a proper assessment: the gown’s designer, its cut, whether the fabric and color are flattering, hair, makeup, accessories, whether or not the actress is taking a risk or departing from her signature style. It’s tremendous pressure, but after putting in so much time training, I think I’m ready for whatever dazzling ensembles or cringe-worthy fashion disasters come down that red carpet.” After taking a deep breath and telling reporters “it’s showtime,” Kohls was overheard inquiring whether the first actress to arrive at the Dolby Theatre realized this was the goddamn Oscars and not her junior prom.
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