LOS ANGELES—Concerned moviegoing citizens across the nation issued an urgent appeal to Hollywood studios this week to make more films in which a guy is shot multiple times in the chest and then, later on, is revealed to have been wearing a bulletproof vest the whole time. “There need to be a lot more movies where the main guy gets shot a bunch and we think he’s dead, but after a little while he gets back up because he’s actually still alive,” said Little Rock, AR resident Sarah Greene, echoing the sentiments of millions of Americans as she further stipulated that the individual must at some point rip open his shirt to show the audience the vest and the flattened bullets embedded within it. “And the movies better show somebody holding the guy’s head in their lap and crying because they think he’s been killed. Or they should have a part where, after the guy’s been shot, he lifts his gun up out of nowhere and shoots the guy who shot him—right before that guy is about to shoot someone else.” The nation’s movie viewers also demanded more ending scenes in which the action subsides for a moment before a good guy shoots a bad guy we thought was already dead even though he really wasn’t.
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