Nation’s Action Heroes Demand Hackers Say It Again In English

Illustration for article titled Nation’s Action Heroes Demand Hackers Say It Again In English

WASHINGTON—Urging the eggheads to translate their scientific gobbledygook, the nation’s action heroes released a statement Monday demanding hackers say it again in English. “We’re calling on all tech-savvy wunderkinds to pretend for a second that we don’t have a master’s in programming from M.I.T. and repeat back whatever the hell they’re talking about,” said local protagonist Jake Bronson, speaking on behalf of macho primary characters across the U.S. beseeching all poindexters and dweebs to heed the call and rephrase their jargon into plain terms. “Now is the time for all bespectacled sidekicks to remind themselves that if we can’t get out of here in the next 30 seconds, the shit’s really going to hit the fan, and to use that urgency to repeat their comments in another way since we don’t speak Nerd.” At press time, Bronson issued a follow-up statement confirming that protagonists could kiss those beautiful four-eyed bastards after the nation’s hackers successfully unlocked the encrypted file drive.

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