LOS ANGELES—Saying they felt a renewed sense of duty to expose unsightly cellulite and fashion missteps, the nation’s entertainment reporters returned to the celebrity beach body beat Thursday after two weeks of covering sexual assault allegations against Harvey Weinstein. “For a while there, it was all hands on deck to cover the breaking news of Weinstein’s decades-long abuse of power—but now, it’s back to our core mission of delivering highly unflattering shots of a pouchy-looking Leonardo DiCaprio in Malibu,” said reporter Darren Pallone, adding that setting aside the usual hunt for shots of Liam Hemsworth’s rock-hard abs in order to prioritize the hundreds of victims of Weinstein’s alleged assaults is “all just part of the job.” “Now that he’s been ousted from the Motion Picture Academy, we can return to the important work of soliciting paparazzi photos of Amy Schumer adjusting her bikini straps in her own backyard and running it under the headline ‘TOTAL TRAINWRECK.’” At press time, the reporter who spent a week confirming Weinstein’s predation was an open secret systematically concealed by the Hollywood elite was hitting “publish” on an article comparing the sagging abdomen of a middle-aged actress to that of a harbor seal.

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