WASHINGTON—Divesting themselves of their khakis and walking shoes at the stroke of midnight and chanting hymns in supplication to the 54-year-old star, the nation’s mothers danced naked around a moonlit bonfire last night to conjure the spirit of English actress and screenwriter Emma Thompson. “The door is open, circle unbroken; come to us, Oh Perfect One, and bathe us in your Light!” 59-year-old housewife Linda Weber recited amidst a sea of naked aunts and mothers, twisting and gyrating in ritual procession around the flaming pit as she invoked the hallowed presence of the Sense And Sensibility star. “Emma sumus in fide, Matres et materterae, Emma matronas inegri, Matresque canamus!” Sources reported that as the spectral form of the BAFTA Award–winning actress began flickering in the fire, the postmenopausal horde had unanimously selected Milwaukee-area mother Karen Schweitzer to be sacrificed as a burnt offering to the Goddess of Howard’s End.

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