Illustration for article titled New CIA Torture Program Concert Series Brings Metallica Into Black Sites To Play 72-Hour Sets

WASHINGTON—Hailing it as a once-in-a-lifetime, up-close-and-personal enhanced interrogation experience, the CIA rolled out a new torture program concert series Wednesday that brings Metallica into black sites to play 72-hour sets. “After months of hard work, we are so proud to debut our new ‘Dissociation’ tour, which will take Metallica all over the globe, from Guantanamo Bay in Cuba, to Detention Site Green in Thailand, to the Dark prison in Kabul,” said CIA spokesperson Jenna Wellington adding that the concerts, which would feature live performances from James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich, Kirk Hammett, and Robert Trujillo, included custom, carefully constructed, repetitive set lists designed to inflict maximum psychological damage. “To kick things off, Metallica will play a private set for a group of terrorists accused of orchestrating an attack on an American airbase, and it will feature ‘Invisible Kid’ played 12,000 times in a row at a blaring 120 decibels. Also, the prisoners will be blindfolded and strapped upside down to a board, which will only make the band singing directly into their ears more intimate.” At press time, Wellington confirmed the program’s debut had been a success, and that inmates cracked before Hetfield was even done yelling “Guantanamo, how’s everyone doing tonight?”

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