NEW YORK—Laughing demonically as the small, orange puppet’s body began to gyrate uncontrollably, producers from the television show Sesame Street completed a ritual Thursday to imprison a damned soul in the body of their newest character, a puppet named Maple. “Autom nyyageth rah-uh, ny-a-ar jaruh su-uh, cht-eh-eff nyagah,” chanted a cloaked executive producer, who, after slitting her own hand with a sacred knife and pouring the blood along a flaming pentagram, demanded that Satan fill the googly eyed female puppet with the soul of a deceased serial killer who was recently executed. “Hark, young fuzzy one! Come forth and be born of tears and bile. While your creator’s script may dictate you sing songs about the importance of studying hard and being kind to your teacher, know that Satan has sewn your flesh from the Devil’s cloth. Now, rise, do the bidding of your dark lord, and dance upon the grave of your victims. Remember—H is for homework, but it’s also for homicide!” At press time, viewers had reportedly responded positively to Maple, saying they loved the Sesame Street segment where she ripped the head off of a live goat and ate it.
More from The Onion