Look, I'm only going to say this one more time. I did not play Bosley on Charlie's Angels. The character's name was Bosley, but he was played by David Doyle. Got it? Doyle. D-O-Y-L-E.
As long as we're on the subject, I also didn't play Ted Atwater on The New Dick Van Dyke Show, Francis Macklin on Sweet Surrender or Bridget's father Walter on Bridget Loves Bernie. All of these were played by—yes, you guessed it—David Goddamn Doyle.
You'd think that after almost 40 years in this business, people would have the decency to stop mixing me up with every half-wit with a SAG card. I mean, it's not like I haven't had a successful career. Father Dowling Mysteries. Wait Till Your Father Gets Home. That Was The Week That Was. Oh, and a little show called Happy Days. Perhaps you've heard of it. You know, Fonzie, Ralph Malph and Howard Cunningham? It was only the most popular program of the '70s. How long was Charlie's Angels on the air, three years?
Tell me, how many of the big guns, the true show-business giants, has your precious David Doyle worked with? Wow, Farrah Fawcett-Majors and Meredith Baxter-Birney. Talk about your 5,000-megawatt star power.
Tell me, was it Doyle who downed martinis with Dino on his hit variety show? No. Was it Doyle who co-starred with the spunky Sandy Duncan and the always-glamorous Debbie Reynolds on their popular sitcoms? Methinks not. And I don't recall Doyle ever guesting on Murder, She Wrote, much less playing Sheriff Amos Tupper for four highly rated seasons. No, my friends, that was I, Tom Fucking-A Bosley.
Of course, I mean no disrespect to the late Mr. Doyle. He was a man of great talent. After all, no one could touch his Grandpa Pickles on Rugrats, especially not that charisma-free hack voicing him in the movie version.
But just between you and me, let's face it: Doyle couldn't have pulled off Belle's father in the Broadway smash-hit Beauty And The Beast, or Ben Franklin in John Jakes' acclaimed mini-series The Bastard. And just imagine a world in which Doyle was the Glad trash bags' spokesman for over a decade. That is not the kind of world in which I would ever want to live.
Oh, and speaking of commercials, I wasn't the Maytag repairman either, you dingbats. That was Jesse White, until he died. Now it's Gordon Jump, Mr. Carlson from WKRP In Cincinnati. Which reminds me. I didn't play Mr. Carlson on WKRP, either. Or Tom Bradford on Eight Is Enough, or Doc Bricker on The Love Boat. Not even Chief Carl Kanisky on Gimme A Break. Idiots.
I'm Tom Bosley, dammit, and I don't need this bullshit. To hell with the whole darn lot of you!