Illustration for article titled Panicked Ken Burns Worried He In Too Deep With 17-Trillion-Hour ‘The Universe’ Documentary

WALPOLE, NH—As he shuffled through the pages of one of the 463 x 1018 primary resources he has assembled thus far, an overwhelmed Ken Burns reported Monday that he may have gotten in over his head when he agreed to produce a 17-trillion-hour documentary for PBS titled The Universe. “It’s definitely a lot more work than I anticipated, especially considering I’m only 0.000000001 seconds into the Big Bang so far,” said the visibly frazzled documentarian as he began screening a three-year-long clip from the film, which is set to be an in-depth look at the entirety of the cosmos, including history, science, arts, culture, and the grand design of all existence. “I’m really stressed out that some of the great stuff I have about multiverses, gravitational waves, the development of consciousness, amphibian reproduction, the Ottoman Empire, 19th-century Shaker furniture-making, the history of hydrogen, and feudalism will wind up on the cutting-room floor, because there just won’t be room for it all. Still, it’s been fun revisiting some of my favorite subjects, like baseball and the national parks, since they’ll be a part of this film. I just rewatched The Civil War, so we can do an episode about that, along with an additional episode about me making my documentary about it.” PBS confirmed The Universe was set to air in October 2104, when viewers will be able to have the film streamed directly into a neural implant via their preferred biochip technology or purchase a limited edition 8.5-trillion-DVD box set.

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