NEW YORK—Her hands shaking as she dialed several numbers written on a piece of paper in an effort to get in touch with the goons she had hired, a panicking Taylor Swift reportedly realized Wednesday that it was too late to call off the assassination of Katy Perry after her longtime rival made a peace offering. “Shit, shit, shit—Bruno, is that you? Call it off, call it off! Peacock! Peacock! Tell them not to shoot!” the 29-year-old pop star was heard to yell into her cell phone after seeing Perry’s Instagram post where her former enemy had tagged her and written “Peace At Last,” before being told by her contact, “I am sorry, Ms. Swift, but the die has been cast.” “Come on, please tell them I don’t need them anymore. What do you mean all the fail-safes are no longer possible? Look, I made a mistake. Things have changed, I don’t need her to die now. You’ll still get your money—I’ll double your fee! Please just don’t kill her.” At press time, Swift made a last-ditch attempt to forestall the assassination by frantically calling Perry to tell her not to sing “Swish Swish” at a concert, only to be told that Perry was already onstage and would start the song in five minutes.
More from The Onion