MEDFORD, OR—Local man Adam Gould, 24, who recently began watching ABC’s science-fiction drama series Lost on DVD, is in for a whole world of disappointment, sources close to the unsuspecting schmuck confirmed Wednesday. “This show is amazing,” said Gould, who is currently working his way through the last few decent episodes of season one with no fucking idea how hard this show is about to let him down. “I’m so excited to see how they start tying all the threads together, answering the big questions. Like why is everyone on the island healing so fast, and does it have anything to do with the smoke monster? It’s all going to end with a bang, that’s for sure.” At press time, a heartbreakingly enthusiastic Gould was reportedly working on an elaborate theory about why there was a polar bear on the island.
More from The Onion