NEW YORK—Frustrated that two years of rigorous study have failed to yield any insight, relationship experts at Columbia University conceded Monday they have made no progress in determining what, exactly, Scarlett Johansson sees in her fiancé, Saturday Night Live star Colin Jost. “We’ve ruled out the possibility Ms. Johansson is attracted to Mr. Jost’s wealth or status, as she is the highest-paid actress in the world and, unlike her partner, widely admired in her field,” said Columbia sociologist Dana Gourley, adding that researchers were unable to formulate a plausible hypothesis of what the couple even talks about, given that the “Weekend Update” anchor appears to possess no personality traits that could be deemed interesting or appealing. “Furthermore, we know her attraction to him can’t be merely physical because repeated surveys, facial-symmetry analysis, and other standard metrics confirm Ms. Johansson is dramatically better looking than Mr. Jost. We simply cannot pinpoint what he has to offer her. We have to throw out every scientific model of human attraction ever devised and start over.” Gourley and her colleagues went on to present data showing it would make far more sense for Scarlett Johansson to be engaged to Kevin Nealon or even Norm Macdonald.
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