Remembering Dick Clark

Illustration for article titled Remembering Dick Clark

Dick Clark, the creator and longtime host of American Bandstand and Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, died on Apr. 18 of a heart attack. Here are some highlights from the beloved TV personality’s life:

  • 1932: A 2-year-old Clark stuns his family with his first words: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, Freddy 'Boom Boom' Cannon!"
  • 1955: After carefully considering trends in modern liturgical music, beat poetry, and hyper-minimalism, Clark decides to introduce America to rock and roll
  • 1962: Earns the nickname "America's Oldest Teenager" in part because of his boyish looks and connection to youth culture, but also because of his near constant masturbation
  • 1972: TV execs give Dick Clark's New Year's show the green light once Clark agrees to change a contentious word in the title to the more family-friendly "Rockin'"
  • 1974: Corners Casey Kasem in a Philadelphia Shoney's bathroom, threatens to “cut his cartoon-voiced belly stem to sternum if he catches him in his half of the United States again”
  • 1986: Releases Dick Clark's Easygoing Guide To Good Grooming
  • 2005: The growing pink pustule on Clark's neck finally bursts and a mucus-covered, squealing embryonic Ryan Seacrest wriggles out and begins looking for HDTV cameras for sustenance
  • 2012: With his life flashing before his eyes, Clark is profoundly disappointed by how much Barry Manilow it contains
  • 2012: Stops aging
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