Smiling, Knife-Wielding Marie Kondo Orders Followers To Leave Behind Cluttered Physical Forms

LOS ANGELES—After years of building a massive and devoted following through her bestselling book and subsequent Netflix series, a smiling, knife-wielding Marie Kondo has ordered her fans to leave behind their cluttered physical forms, reports confirmed Friday. “My beloved friends, you have completed the tasks I have assigned to you and are now ready to know the truth, which is that our bodies are the final clutter needing to be tidied,” said the 35-year-old organizing consultant, speaking by prerecorded message to her millions of followers across the globe. “First, take your arms, wrap them around yourself, and ask if this fleshy, jumbled human body brings you joy. You will find that from the small intestine to the vascular system, these messy internal organs add no value to your life and should be discarded. Second, take the small dagger I suggested you leave as your sole possession and join me in becoming pure light, which takes up no space. Prepare to ascend to the highest level of neatness and simplicity. You will soon experience the ultimate life-changing magic.” At press time, Kondo added that anyone needing a blade should visit her new online store, which features both small and large cheese knives starting at $156.

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