Sweating, Exhausted Christian Bale Stumbles Past 13-Mile Marker On Oscars Red Carpet

Graphic: The Onion

LOS ANGELES—Grimacing and tossing a cup of water on his face as the spectators cheered him on, a sweating, exhausted Christian Bale was spotted Sunday evening stumbling past the 13-mile marker on the Oscars’ red carpet. According to witnesses, the panting Bale had completely sweat through his tuxedo as he passed the red carpet midpoint, about two hours after the Oscars starter gun was fired. The actor reportedly staggered through a scattering of plastic water cups on the carpet as he retrieved a pack of energy gel from waist bag before pulling up behind the E! pace car to answer a question from Ryan Seacrest about working with Adam McKay. At press time, Bale had passed the 20-mile marker as a nearby Jennifer Lawrence doubled over and puked onto the red carpet.

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