The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Actors

Leonardo DiCaprio

Career High: Being handsome and successful continuously throughout his entire life

Environmental Activism: Has donated millions and campaigned unsuccessfully for years in effort to get single tree planted somewhere on Earth

Laptop Homepage: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000138/

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Adam Driver

Movie He Is Most Proud Of: None. An actor is never content, for that is not the actor’s job. He must grow, change, adapt, or else die.

Military Rank: Eagle Scout

Greatest Achievement: Gamely putting up with the Star Wars franchise

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Joaquin Phoenix

Greatest Physical Transformation For Role: Had both legs amputated for Inherent Vice

Acting Skill Level: Good, but he’s no River. There will never be another River.

Biggest Challenge: Completing a single sentence in under ten minutes

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Johnathan Pryce

Preparation For Role: Just read the script, memorized the lines, and performed them

Fun Fact: With this film, Pryce is now one of only three actors to portray all 266 popes on screen

Previous Roles: Probably...Dr. Who and Harry Potter? He’s British, right?

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Antonio Banderas

Best Physical Feature: Perfect feet that you can’t help but want to suck on

Voice: Mezzo soprano, pitched down to a baritone in all screen roles

Career Trivia: Covered in ringworm while filming of Zorro, forcing him to don the now-iconic black mask

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