The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Actresses

Scarlett Johansson

Notable Roles: Convincingly portraying a loving partner to Colin Jost

Career Lowlight: Getting all her on-camera scenes cut in Her

Dream Role: Genghis Khan

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Saoirse Ronan

Age: Getting up there

Favorite Irish Saying: “Welcome to Bennigan’s!”

Career Dream: To become first actor to play a precocious 70-something

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Charlize Theron

Country of Origin: White Africa

Real Name: Charles Entertainment Cheese

Biggest Career Disappointment: Order mixup led her to receiving a triangle on the Hollywood Walk of Fame instead of a star

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Renée Zellweger

Fun Fact: Her titular character Bridget Jones inspired a group called the People’s Temple Agricultural Project to establish a South American settlement where they laughed about the foibles of modern dating and eventually committed mass suicide

Looks More Like A: Lizzie or Maggie

Relevancy: 1/128 of what it was in 2001

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Cynthia Erivo

Stance On Slavery: Staunchly opposes it in most forms

Dedication to the Craft: Wakes up at 4 a.m. every morning to watch a movie

Expected Acceptance Speech: How existential ethnography can change the shape of Jewish studies research

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