The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Pictures

‘Marriage Story’

Synopsis: A married couple goes through a bitter acting contest

Defining Line: “Forsooth, thou art narry longer that which mine eyes see and gaze upon thine countenance whereupon I might find splendor, now in that wretched place, I find only an abyss.”

Prospects: What hubris to think that man may assume total knowledge of future events



Synopsis: The dream house of a successful family that fairly earned everything they have becomes infested by peasants

Defining Line: “Being poor is the absolute pits!”

Prospects: Has the best chance of any non-English-language film to win Best Picture since Goodfellas


‘Little Women’

Synopsis: Four sisters wonder if they can have it all while simultaneously juggling expectations of womanhood in both the 1860s and 2019

Defining Line: “A woman can do anything a man can! She can milk cows or contract syphilis, or even toil in the fields until she dies at the age of 25!”

Prospects: Would have fared better had it used the star power of Meryl Streep in its lead as 15-year-old Jo March


‘Once Upon A Time In Hollywood’

Synopsis: Presents the emotional journey of a down-on-his-luck actor and his stunt double companion who work together to force younger audiences to Google stuff after the film

Defining Line: “What do you think of that Sharon Tate girl? Pretty alive, right?”

Prospects: Tarantino’s film has long odds if it expects to overcome Hollywood’s traditional aversion to seeing the film industry portrayed on screen


‘Ford V. Ferrari’

Synopsis: Some guys race? Okay.

Defining Line: “But you’re a Ford and I’m a Ferrari! The world can’t find out about our love!”

Prospects: A shoo-in for best picture after winning Best Car Film at the American Auto Awards in 2020




Synopsis: The film follows two desperate soldiers in an alternate reality where WWII never happened

Defining Line: “The year was 1978, and disco fever had gripped the nation.”

Prospects: Given the fact that the Academy is notably filled with Ottoman Empire apologists, this film glorifying the struggle of the Allied powers will most likely not fare well



Synopsis: A tortured, mentally unstable comedian descends into madness in his transformation into the eponymous Batman villain, Calendar Man

Defining line: “Outside, I look sad. And inside, I am also sad. But if I make my outside look happy, my inside will be happy. I’m insane!”

Prospects: Bro that would be freakin’ wild!!


‘The Irishman’

Synopsis: Frank “The Irishman” Sheeran chronicles his exploits throughout the ’60s and ’70s involving Jimmy “The Irishman” Hoffa, Robert “The Irishman” F. Kennedy, and Richard “The Irishman” Nixon

Defining line: “I’m so young and carefree, the ravages and regrets of time will surely never catch up to me—yippee!”

Prospects: Already covered under Scorsese’s lifetime achievement award


‘JoJo Rabbit’

Synopsis: A member of the Hitler Youth discovers how easy it is to use fun gags to get audiences to sympathize with the people conducting the Holocaust

Defining line: “Our strength consists in our speed and in our brutality. Genghis Khan led millions of women and children to slaughter—with premeditation and a happy heart. History sees in him solely the founder of a state. It’s a matter of indifference to me what a weak western European civilization will say about me. I have issued the command—and I’ll have anybody who utters but one word of criticism executed by a firing squad—that our war aim does not consist in reaching certain lines, but in the physical destruction of the enemy. Accordingly, I have placed my death-head formation in readiness—for the present only in the East—with orders to them to send to death mercilessly and without compassion, men, women, and children of Polish derivation and language. Only thus shall we gain the living space which we need. Who, after all, speaks today of the annihilation of the Armenians?”

Prospects: Slightly better than the films that were not nominated for this award