NEW YORK—Claiming it would be a momentous experience for any Game of Thrones fan, a never-ending cascade of subhuman bullshit reported Friday that there was a new map that would change the way you see Westeros. “Get ready to see The Seven Kingdoms in a whole new light,” reported the ceaseless deluge of absurd garbage being pumped into your skull, inundating you with meaninglessness every single hour of every single day. “Don’t say you weren’t warned!” At press time, the torrent of inescapable nonsense was continuing unabated and was expected to plague you, in varying forms, for the rest of your life.

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