This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:

The Bible But Without Letters To The Corinthians
(ESV Bibles, $12.99)
All the goodness of the Holy Book without the wordy, blowhard letters to those good-for-nothing Corinthians.

Dr. Sleep
Stephen King (Scribner, $22.99)
Now grown up, Danny, the boy with psycho-intuitive powers in <i>The Shining</i>, helps another child with a spectacular gift: a 2013 Jeep Grand Cherokee.

The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge
The Onion (Little, Brown, $20.00)
The most essential and authoritative ¬†book¬† ever written in the history ¬†of¬† human civilization, this august encyclopedia‚ÄĒ now available in paperback‚ÄĒfeatures thousands¬†of¬†entries for all 27 letters¬†of¬†the alphabet and contains more than 500 tons of information. Must be purchased immediately to avoid the sting¬†of¬†eternal ignorance.

Miles Of Smiles Dental Employee Handbook 
(Miles Of Smiles Dental)
Shorts, tank tops, and open-toe shoes are not permitted.

Lincoln's Hospital Stay
Frank Hopp (Hachette, $17.00)
We all know Lincoln died in a house, but Frank Hopp wonders what would happen if he died in a hospital?

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