Illustration for article titled TV Character Knows All This Hardship She’s Experiencing Now Will One Day Be Nothing More Than A ‘Previously On’ Clip

HARTFORD, CT—Stressing how important it was to keep her worries in perspective, television character Greta Worthington told reporters Monday that amidst all her present hardships, she still knew everything she was going through would one day be nothing more than a small part of a “previously on” clip. “Sure, right now the biggest thing in the world seems like it’s how I’ve spent the past week getting pregnant, losing my best friend to a mysterious illness, filing for divorce, and then accidentally killing my teenage daughter, but soon enough this will just be a brief clip that provides some much-needed dramatic context before a new episode begins,” said Worthington, taking a deep breath in her living room and reminding herself that despite how overwhelmed she currently felt by the sight of splattered blood and her child’s dead body on the floor, it would probably barely even register as a blip in a few weeks when it was used as merely one of several rapid-cut scenes compiled to help viewers understand the show’s larger narrative tapestry. “This is exactly what happened when I had an affair with my son’s soccer coach. First, I couldn’t stop freaking out, but now that we’re a few seasons down the line, the two-second excerpt of me putting a hand on his chest and saying, ‘We shouldn’t be doing this,’ isn’t even the climactic part of the recaps. Frankly, once this whole dealing-with-loss arc runs out, I don’t think they’ll include any mention at all of the many untimely deaths that have befallen my friends and family members.” Worthington added that, in contrast, she was sure the recent revelation that she possessed dark powers and could transform herself into a cat would be a key part of any recap for years to come.


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