Winona Ryder Finally Agrees To Sleep With Generation X

LOS ANGELES—After being a subject of Generation X desire for the better part of two decades, actress Winona Ryder announced Tuesday that she had finally conceded to having intercourse with every interested member within that age group.

Ryder, 39, believes members of Gen-X are now finally mature enough to "handle her."

"Fine," Ryder said in a statement addressed to the 71 million American men and women born between the years 1962 and 1981. "For more than 20 years, I've had to endure the yearnings of an entire generation of people, so I suppose I owe it to them to finally offer some relief. After all, they've avidly followed my career all this time. I figure it's the least I can do to repay them."


"Soup's on, boys," she added. "Get it while it's hot."

Ryder, the offbeat 39-year-old star of such films as Mermaids and Reality Bites, first stirred sexual longing in Generation X with her 1988 appearance as the alienated and slightly goth teen Lydia in Beetlejuice. Her portrayal of brainy outsiders in the cult films Heathers and Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael cemented her place in the pantheon of the generation's sexually desirable quirky women.

The actress told reporters that the order in which she would sleep with participating members of Generation X would be determined by lottery, and that her offer could be redeemed anywhere participants chose, including their old bedroom from when they were in high school or the backseat of their parents' late-1980s station wagon.

A sampling of the roughly 18 million Americans whom Winona Ryder will be allowing to sleep with her.

"I will cut my hair to its 1993 length, and we can talk about anything you want before we do it," Ryder said. "Fears for the future, your frustration at having to be part of the corporate machine, anything. We can even listen to period-appropriate music of your choice. Except for Soul Asylum. That is off the table."

Children of the so-called Baby Boomers, Generation X has been characterized as a group unable to speak about anything unironically, while also possessing a mistrust of authority and a longing to have sex with Winona Ryder. According to Ryder, this demographic deserves to have "at least one" of its thwarted hopes and dreams for itself actually come true.


Those born after 1981 are excluded from Ryder's offer unless they can prove that they, too, experienced the profound ennui associated with walking home alone from the movie theater after seeing Edward Scissorhands and knowing they would probably never have her.

"I am not taking this lightly," said Ryder, who has only done one nude scene in her entire career. "This came about after years of careful consideration and hearing from every single person within 10 years of my age that they had a crush on me. If I'm going to do it, it's going to be with the same passion I bring to my acting.


Added Ryder, "To be honest, I've always had sort of a crush on Generation X myself."

The response to Ryder's announcement in the Gen-X community has so far been swift and enthusiastic, with many in the usually sullen age group reacting with great surprise and anticipation.


"Wow," freelance writer T. Eric Mayhew said as he hurriedly ran his fingers through his unruly hair after being informed that he had drawn lottery number 9,310. "I'd better shave."

To date, nearly 40 percent of the people identified as members of Generation X have registered to have sex with Ryder, many under pseudonyms in order to protect the families they established when they gave up all hope of ever sleeping with the actress.


"I kind of lost interest when she did that movie where she was dating Richard Gere," said Generation X member Don Bloomfield, 41, who is number 789,834 on the list. "I didn't even realize I still had a thing for her until I saw Bram Stoker's Dracula on cable last year."

"I just hope that, before she has to sleep with the next guy, we have time to hold each other and she can tell me that I can make a difference in this world," Bloomfield added.


As prospective lovers sign up in droves, a few American males aged 30 to 49 have opted to decline Ryder's offer.

"It's tempting, but I've been down that road before," Generation X member Johnny Depp, 47, said. "Besides, I weirdly always had more of a thing for Janeane Garofalo."


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