Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The earth and moon continue their age-old cosmic dance this week, bumping into nearby star systems, and bringing untold death and destruction to millions of lives.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
The stars don't understand how you can sleep at night after everything that you've done, though they're mostly just referring to all the napping.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Remember: Some people were put on this earth to achieve great things. Other people, like you, are just here to help with exposition and backstory.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Much to your horror, the other shoe will finally drop this week, along with the other sock, half-a-dozen metal screws, and the other prosthetic leg.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'd do just about anything to be able to see your father again, which is too bad, as he's healthy, happy, and living at an assisted living center in Coral Springs.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
This little piggy went to market, and this little piggy stayed home, but this little piggy—this little piggy right here—will be mailed to friends and family members for a healthy ransom.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll laugh all the way to the bank this week, before seeing your account statement, monthly service charges, looming overdraft fees, and crying all the way back home.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars indicate that you're way ahead of your time. Specifically, the year 2436, when covering oneself in bird dung and screaming angrily at the Sun will be commonplace.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The ebb and flow of the ocean tide will greatly influence your future this week, pushing you further and further away from all those rescue ships.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It slices, it dices—it makes perfect shoestring fries each and every time! It's Susan, the woman you married 15 years ago and now treat more like a kitchen appliance than your very wife!
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
They say that home is where the heart is, but little do they know about the metal box, the bloody towels, and the crosscut saw beneath the floorboards.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
An attractive member of the opposite sex will misconstrue your coy flirtations this week, leaving you unfulfilled and embarrassed, but with a very full sugar bowl.