Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You might think you're the coolest person around, but don't forget about Beth Mills of Austin, TX. She has a hedgehog.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Remember: Three can keep a secret if two are dead. That said, you know what you have to do.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will achieve a certain kind of fame when you discover several more steps to add to your 12-step program.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Because of its dualistic nature, Gemini believes there are two kinds of people in this world: you and those who won't die in a coke-fueled gunfight this Sunday.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The combination of Mars and Venus in your sun sign indicates that love is in your future whether you can afford it or not.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll find yourself up the creek without a paddle this week, but take heart: Paddles are available for purchase at any decent sporting-goods store.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Smile! Somebody out there loves you. On second thought, don't smile.