Aries | March 21 to April 19

A combination of hubris, treachery, and everyday low prices will soon mark the end of your reign as Mattress King.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a stuffed animal instead of a live one.

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You didn’t get into plumbing for the fame, the fortune, or the women. But one severely backed-up toilet will soon change all of that.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Action and adventure await you this Thursday, though not before hours of pointless exposition and predictable plot twists.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind the sofa cushion.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

It’s difficult to know who to trust in life. Then again, the guy with the horns and the hooves should have been a no-brainer.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

A man’s home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Thanks to a series of unfortunate turns, you’ll soon become to only man ever to compete in the Olympics, the Paralympics, and the Special Olympics.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The stars indicate that you can receive your personalized horoscope reading in Spanish by pressing 3 now.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Remember: Those who can’t do, teach. And those who can’t teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

It’s true that God created you in His likeness. Unfortunately for you, God was feeling particularly shitty about Himself that day.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it’s usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.