Aries | March 21 to April 19
Next week will see you at the front of a ragtag band of orphans, but that shouldn't surprise you, as you've been running the world's shabbiest orphanage for years now.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You've always wanted to become a local legend, so please enjoy your fame as The Guy Who Smoked at the Gas Station and Everyone in the Next Town Thought Was a Meteor.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll reach your sexual peak tomorrow afternoon, surprising yourself almost more than the woman who owns the dachshunds.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
We can't control who we fall in love with, but you're set to change all that with your new invention, the Love Controller 2.0.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You may be getting used to it and it may be more comfortable than you would have guessed, but there's always the possibility that someone will come along and turn the electric chair on.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Just when you finally get everything exactly the way you want it, you'll decide you liked the world a lot better when it had people in it.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
If there's a moral to your story, you have yet to figure out what it is, which is pretty pathetic considering what that mouse went through to get the thorn out of your paw.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You've thought about titling your autobiography Untamed, but that might give away how you suffered all those bear-, tiger, and lion- related injuries.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Things have been looking dire, but you'll soon learn that a sponsorship deal with a local sausage company will fund you through 2012.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
This is a good week for romance in the workplace, which is troubling for you and everyone else at the monastery.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The workings of the human heart have always been a mystery to you, but you'll soon figure it out thanks to a handy instructional pamphlet featuring a friendly cowboy.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll continue to struggle with your efforts to truly know yourself, but after being chased off every doorstep on the street, you'll be pretty sure you're not the milkman.