Aries | March 21 to April 19
Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you’ve been writing about him.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You’ll soon popularize a new dance craze, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but they’re still quite tired from having all that raucous sex with your wife.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your disdain for authority will be full display this week when you pick a fight with a handsome set of leather-bound encyclopedias.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it’s the giant mosquito costume.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ll soon discover three new planets, a dwarf star, and two orbiting satellites—an incredible achievement for someone just trying to peer in on his naked neighbor.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Be sure to choose your words carefully this week as you’ve only got about seven of them left.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ve always been handy with a bow saw, which is good news, as you’ve never been handy with a bear trap.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of blood-sucking parasite after you for a reason.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that’s really your plumber’s fault.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Remember: It’s all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.