Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The inexorable power of destiny would render you powerless to stop the fateful events of next week, were anything ever to actually happen to you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Trouble rears its ugly head in the workplace when, simply put, they just up and fire everybody.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ve always believed you should go with your gut in important matters, which is why every major decision in your life has been accompanied by chili-cheese fries.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
After all you’ve been through, it’s nice to know that lightning doesn’t strike twice. Strangely, it turns out that’s not true for falling safes or pianos.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
There will be no changes of note in your life this week, which is surprising considering how easy it should be to get a bear trap off your head these days.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ve always had a strong fight-or-flight reflex, which turns out to be completely useless when negotiating for the best price on a bedroom set.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ll try to play both sides against each other for personal gain, proving again why you are the worst chess player ever.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your love for The Wizard Of Oz will actually come in handy when you’re involved in a multiple-tractor-trailer pileup, but not for the reasons you’d think.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Strange, it seemed like having a harpoon gun around would be kind of cool, but every time you’ve used the damn thing it just leads to a lot of flensing work.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Usually, compromise means no one is happy. The Missouri Compromise, however, is a great name for the mullet, a hairstyle that makes everyone happy.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
It’s never too late to change your life for the better, except of course in your case, where it’s almost too late to finish your poisoned coffee.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
This week, you’ll prove that one man can make a difference when you smear bacon grease all over the stairs and escalators at the malls closest to the retirement home.