Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You’ve always wanted to yell “Stop the presses,” but when it looks like you’ll finally get an opportunity to do so, they’ll feed you in head first.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Just when it seems that all hope is gone, you’ll discover a deep untapped reservoir of hope deep within you which will soon be gone too.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Readers across the nation will finally be exposed to your literary genius and scintillating wordplay now that the DOT has approved your custom license plate.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will make medical history this week as the first person to recover from smallpox only to die from a never-before-seen strain of enormouspox.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You’ll learn too late that love and deception often go hand in hand when the eloquent stranger sending you love letters turns out not to be the real Sarah Vowell.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The flame of true love will finally gutter and die in your soul, but take heart: the flame of too many video game systems plugged into a single outlet is burning bright in your den.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ll be unable to think of anything sadder than the sight of the hooks which once held her picture, but there’s absolutely nothing else in the room to stare at for hours on end.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
When you were a child, you spoke as a child, you understood as a child, and you thought as a child; so no real changes, then.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your lifelong search for your soul mate will comes to an end at last when you discover it was Robert Kearns, inventor of the intermittent windshield wiper, who died in 2005.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You’ll do your part for the environment this week when you recycle what’s left of the nurses into furniture, decorative items, and innovative storage solutions.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Just when you think all subtle beauty has finally faded from the world, you’ll remember “So Into You” by the Atlanta Rhythm Section.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Love may mean different things to different people, but it’s surprising how many definitions include heavy investment in real estate.