Aries | March 21 to April 19
The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down Chicago this week.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Only God can judge you. Unfortunately, He’s been appearing to all your friends and telling them what an asshole you are.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The black widow spider does not have the most powerful venom of any spider in the world, but it’s still going to do quite a number on your legs.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The truth is indeed elusive, hard to comprehend, and subjective. What we’re trying to say is: You’re fat.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
There hasn’t been a stampeding death in your area in more than a century, but your air horn and steer costume will change all that.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it’s far too complicated for you to understand and won’t pay off for years.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Some may call your breast implants tacky, but at least you had the guts to try out unconventional shapes.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ve always been a fashion-forward trendsetter, which is why, after next Thursday, they’ll all be saying that getting shot in the face is the new black.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Gradual, almost imperceptible change will make you a better person over the course of the next 37,000 years.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The stars could reveal your future, but they’d just be repeating what the Love Tester at the fair already told you.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
People will come from miles around to seek your wisdom on all manner of things, which is proof that people will do anything for a good laugh.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips this week.