Aries | March 21 to April 19
They say that God lives inside each and every one of us. Keep digging away until you find Him.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your fear and distrust of banks will result in you keeping all of your money, blood, and sperm beneath your mattress.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It's not easy being a woman these days, what with you calling them up all the time and repeatedly begging for a second chance.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Twins are often able to sense when the other is in danger, but you'll continue punching yours in the face long after he's dead.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Skunks are known to spray whenever they feel cornered, though why you decided to approach them with your latest screenplay idea is anyone's guess.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
What you first believe to be identity theft will soon turn out to be just another self-righteous asshole with commitment issues.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Never underestimate the power of suggestion. Neither this morning, nor later this afternoon, when you're busy washing the stars' truck.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll find profound beauty in the hideous and the grotesque this week, you perverted freak.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
This week, take a deep breath, look straight into the mirror, and release Bloody Mary from her otherworldly imprisonment.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
In nature, bright and iridescent colors are usually a warning sign to stay away, which explains why you're still single after all these years.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Sometimes it's not so much what you say, but how you say it. Also, whether you're naked, high on methamphetamines, and standing in an abandoned parking lot at the time.