Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 9, 2019

Aries | March 21 to April 19

An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest.

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.”

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Somehow, it just seems unfair that several famous people will make hundreds of dollars after picking you in next week’s Mundane Individual Dead Pool.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The largest meteorite ever to hit a person was about 45 pounds, making you a posthumous shoo-in for the record next Wednesday.

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Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You’ve never claimed to be a genius, but you have a nagging suspicion that you should have known sheets could be changed.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your drug experimentation enters an exciting new phase when you find one that makes the throbbing pain in your head subside almost completely.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You will find precious little to live for now that the age of the extended synthesizer jam is well and truly over.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You can’t understand why people keep telling you they’re tired of your act. Why, the costume changes alone are nothing short of breathtaking.

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

The stars are tired of politely nodding when you say you’re single because you’re “too picky.”

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

They say God never gives us more than we can handle, which must mean He knows a way you can handle a swarm of hyper-aggressive bees.

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