Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A good friend will be a pillar of strength and selflessly support you in a harrowing crisis. Show your appreciation by sending them a note that says “Thanks for your support.”
Aries | March 21 to April 19
After taxes, overhead, and legal fees, that million-dollar idea you’ve been working on for years will wind up costing you several thousand dollars.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You’ll finally realize a dream you’ve had since childhood when a huge scary monster comes out from under your bed and eats you all up.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The reason for your recent crises of conscience becomes clear this week when you realize the angel from your right shoulder and the devil from your left have been sleeping together for a year now.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Next week won’t be the best you’ve ever had, but it will advance medical understanding of genital implosion by leaps and bounds.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll continue to get away with your horrendous crimes against humanity without suffering consequences, although they will eventually get you for the tax evasion.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You won’t be absolutely certain you like the changes in yourself, especially as you’ll appeal to a whole new group of people, after they make a 12” dance remix or you.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
There’s nothing wrong with being a belt-and-suspenders-type, but you should probably reconsider being a leather-shorts-and-no-shirt type as well.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The FDA will realize their mistake too late to prevent your death after they accidentally name you as part of a complete breakfast.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You’ll realize that you hallucinated that everyone was wearing business casual all weekend, which explains why Halloween was so awkward last year.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Romance will once again pass you by when the love of your life decides to go with a person who makes better mixtapes.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will get a reasonably good deal on a necessary household item, which is frankly more than an asshole like you deserves.